what is wrong with me
i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m supposed to be having a fun vacation instead i’m rotting and smoking i’m my room while i’m meant to be socialising. i pride myself as an extrovert who finds it easy to make friends, and that’s how it seemed at first. everyone spoke to me on day 1 asked me questions about me and spoke to me as well on day 2. and then something switched, i suppose. they don’t speak to me anymore and ive come down to 2 conclusions. the first one being the language barrier, they all speak french aside from me so theyre conversing pretty well between each other. my second conclusion is that it’s my problem. my problem that i cannot keep socialising with these people and honestly ive realised maybe i should just give up. i have three good friends i talk to on a regular basis and none of them live near me anymore so it’s not like i can hang out with them on the regular. so here i think ive completely lost my spark for making friends. i give up. i actually give up. maybe i’m doomed to a life of being a closeted extrovert and go my days about being introverted and alone. i think it is my problem that they don’t like talking to me. they seem nice when they do talk in english but hey i don’t even know, i was very close with someone who spoke english and we hung out a lot when he was still here but now that he’s gone i have just about nobody. but that proves my first conclusion, language barrier, but i’m going back to school soon and i don’t want to be doomed to a life of being friendless. at heart i am and will always be an extrovert and i’m sad my spark is going away. to be honest, i think i lost my spark years ago. my mother even said so yesterday, she said she hadn’t seen a spark in me for years. i don’t know how to regain it. my mental health is really taking a toll on me and all i feel is sad but at this point, there is nothing i can do. i can only pray my mental gets better and at some point ill overcome my illness and be a happy girl again. it’s not that i’m never happy, i just feel anhedonic all the time. i don’t find joy in anything anymore. actually, that is a lie. i am joyful when i’m around the people i love. but that is only a handful of people. i’m just permanently bored and lonely, honestly. something is wrong with me.