wow i really was sick in the head
rereading my old text messages when i was extremely ill is so groundbreaking. i remember the nature of my messages but not the exact content, so going and reading back on what i was saying online is just really eye-opening to the fact that i was such an awful person. i was really just a textbook bad person, but i'll give myself some grace considering i was in the pits of my mental illness. i cannot begin to express how glad i am that i have gotten out of that hole, sure, i still have lingering bits of my sickness but it has gotten a million times better than say, march 2025. i think that was the absolute peak of my illness.
okay i'm back i just spent like 30 minutes digging trying to find exactly what i was posting on twitter and it was not great. that is a very big understatement, it was horrible and sick the shit i was saying to other people or just myself in general, really. goes to show how mental illness can change a person drastically and how glad i am to have gotten out of that loophole. honestly, i thought i wouldve been stuck there forever. and up until just probably a month and a half ago i was wishing for an opportunity to dip down again and be as sick as i was. i found comfort in my illness and wanted to go back to those times of extreme unwell and just, be there? but now i know how silly and stupid that sounds. i spent most of my days then on the internet completely ruining other people (projected insecurity, probably), having horrible outbursts of anger mostly directed to my loved ones and if not them then myself. and my only coping mechanism was to harm myself or do my best to harm others mentally. well, as sick as i got, i never hurt anyone physically. i just tried fucking up their mental because mine was so bad i needed others to suffer the same way i did. just typing that has shown how warped my perception of... like, everything was. but really, i'm not trying to prove that i was ill by writing this. the point of this blog entry is to show that i really have changed for the good and i don't ever plan on going back to whatever the hell that was. i mean, i still have some bits and pieces of sickness in my head that i will never be rid of that will stick with me throughout my life, but i have learned to manage that so much better. of course, i'm not completely healed. i still have my disorders, but the difference is how much i let them take control of me now. anyway, that's all i wanted to say. if i could speak to myself from the past, i'd tell her that everything'll be alright, and she has to give herself time. time and patience, and love. then she will heal. i am very proud of myself for coming this far. did not think i would be alive now, but i am here #yay.
thank u for reading. good day to u all. remember to upvote. gracias